javascript.txt
Created Friday, April 20, 2018
This is an incomplete short story about someone getting sucked into Javascript, complete with ASCII art!
1/* 2 *────────────────────┐ 3 * Javascript, | 4 * An Adventure | 5 * | 6 * By TheGreatRambler | 7 *────────────────────┘ 8 * 9 * ______ ______ 10 * / /\ \ / /\ \ 11 * | | | | | | | | 12 * | | | | | | | | 13 * | | | | | | | | 14 * | | | | | | | | 15 * \__\/__/ \__\/__/ 16 * || ___ || 17 * || / \ || 18 * || \___/ || 19 * || | || 20 * || .~'"/|\"'~. || 21 * || .-' | '-. || 22 * || .-' / \ '-. || 23 * /AA\ /AA\ 24 * 25 */ 26 27 28book.title = "Javascript, an adventure"; 29 30book.author = "TheGreatRambler"; 31 32book.copyright = "Copyright TheGreatRambler 2018"; 33 34book.license = "Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International"; 35 36book.chapter[0] = "The Discovery"; 37` 38 Once, I decided to explore my computer. It was a pretty basic computer; it had MS paint, Word, and, of course, Google Chrome. I didn't know it at the time, but it would become my favorite program. I was not the one for video games, so most of the time, my computer sat dorment. Today, though, I decided to check it out. I decidied to start with MS paint. I opened it. It was so empty! It had a lot of colorful buttons in the top right, but it did not interest me. Next, I went to Word. It was the opposite. My poor computer paused for half a minute while the program was opening. Upon enterance, I was unamused. It was like Ms paint with more tabs. I exited that one too. Finally, I arrived at Google Chrome. It was more colorful than the others so I was excited! Upon opening, I was once again unamused. It was even less interesting than MS paint. Then, I remembered; my friend at school had told me of a cool feature known as 'inspect element'. I remembered his instructions; right click then select 'inspect element'. "Okay", I thought to myself, "Probably more ado about nothing". I tapped my mouse and hovered over the words. Then, I clicked. 39` 40 41book.chapter[1] = "Letters and Symbols"; 42` 43 Suddenly, all went dark. I found myself in a very blank place. It was all white, yet quickly I noticed I was in a large room. Nothing was immediately visible except for a huge bundle of text. it read something akin to the following: 44----------------------- 45<!doctype html><html itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/WebPage" lang="en"><head><meta content="Search the world"s information, including webpages, images, videos and more. Google has many special features to help you find exactly what you"re looking for." name="description"><meta content="noodp" name="robots"><meta content="/images/branding/googleg/1x/googleg_standard_color_128dp.png" itemprop="image"><link href="/images/branding/product/ico/googleg_lodp.ico" rel="shortcut icon"><meta content="origin" name="referrer"><title>Google</title><script nonce="9/nQ1dFdPVs1WUkn/NIZiw==">(function(){window.google={kEI:"DQibWuyaAcOe_QaftIiYCw",kEXPI:"31",authuser:0,ksc... 46----------------------- 47 Suddenly, I heard a voice. 48 "Thats a nice place to start; throwing XML at him?" 49 "Hey, I can't change what I look like! Im a bit messy when you look at me like that! You look messy as plain text too!" 50 "Thats too far!" 51 "Ha, ha. Looks who"s offended about their looks now!" 52 "Stop, lets introduce ourselves" 53 "Oh, right" 54 "Hey kid." 55 At this, I spun in their direction. The one speaking was a large box that I had failed to see before. It was filled with other text: 56----------------------- 57 Failed to load resource: net::ERR_BLOCKED_BY_CLIENT 58 [Violation] "setTimeout" handler took 65ms 59 ... 60----------------------- 61 "Hi, I'm a console." 62 I stood where I was. 63 "That ugly mess you see over there, he's the 'Elements' tab, Mr. Elements, he likes to consider himself. He looks messy at times. Hey, you big oaf, help out the kid!" 64 "Fine..." 65 At this, Mr. Elements became much prettier, but still uncomprehesible: 66----------------------- 67<!DOCTYPE html> 68<head> 69 <title>Google</title> 70</head> 71<body> 72 <div> 73 ... 74 </div> 75</body> 76----------------------- 77 "We're the Chrome Dev Tools!" they said together. 78 I continued to stare at them. "What are those letters and symbols?" 79 "HTML", the console said. "You see, that 'markup', as it's called in the biz., defines what you see on the page. Watch!" 80 Suddenly, the wall to my left lit up. I turned that direction, and I saw this: 81 _____ _ 82 / ____| | | 83 | | __ ___ ___ __ _| | ___ 84 | | |_ |/ _ \ / _ \ / _` | |/ _ \ 85 | |__| | (_) | (_) | (_| | | __/ 86 \_____|\___/ \___/ \__, |_|\___| 87 __/ | 88 |___/ 89 _________________________________________ 90 | | 91 |_________________________________________| 92 ________ ________ 93 |________| |________| 94 95 96 97 "Thats not all, though! Some of the work is lifted by Javascript. Hey, where's the 'sources' tab when I need him!" 98 At this, another tab appeared. A door appeared underneath it. 99 "What is Javascript?" I asked. 100 "A mess. Thats what it is. You'll find out. In fact, the best way to find out is to experience first-hand!" 101 "Have a fun time! Don't get into any trouble with the Exalted Committee on Managerial Activities. They are very strict down there!" 102 "Yeah, listen to him. Even if he is dumbwitted at times, you should not mess with the ECMA!" 103 "HEY!" the console taunted back. 104 "Thanks!" I said back, unaware that my adventure in the scripts would not be a short one. 105 I stepped way from Mr. Elements and the Console. I walked up to the door; sparing a look for the white room and the Chrome Dev Tools; blank as they were, it had intrigued me. "The letters and symbols sound cool; wonder what they do." I exclaimed to myself. 106 And with those words, I opened the door and stepped through. 107` 108 109book.chapter[2] = "Falling into Javascript"; 110` 111 As soon as I took a step, I took a fall. 112 113 "A 114 A 115 A 116 A 117 A 118 A 119 A 120 A" 121 ___ 122 /.. \ 123 \___/ 124 \|/ 125 | 126 | 127 / \ 128 129 /|________/| 130 // / //| 131 .,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.|/_/______|//!.,.,., 132 .,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,|_________|/.,.,.,., 133 .,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,..,,!.,.,.,.,.!.,.,.,.,. 134 135 Suddenly, I landed on a bed. I was saved! 136 "Wow! Who knew my first experience with this 'Javascript' thing would be so hard!" 137 "Javascript! Hard! Uh, uh, uh! It's easy!" a voice sang. 138 "Who said that?" 139 "I did!" the voice sang again. 140 "Who are you?" 141 "I'm a tcejbo!" 142 "I'll just call you T.J" I muttered. 143 "I've got methods, I've got properties--" 144 "Got any parents T.J? You seem pretty lonely!" I exclaimed. 145 At this, he stopped prancing. He looked at me with a hard stare. 146 "My parents... I've only got one! Object! He's... had a lot of children." 147 "Only one! I need two!" I exclaimed, "They come together and--" 148 "I was constructed!" 149 "Huh, what does that mean?" I asked. He pulled a book out of his pocket. 150 "You need a constructor to make me!" 151 He pointed towards a line. It read: 152----------------------- 153 var child = new Tcejbo(); 154----------------------- 155 "Cool! Are you the only one like that?" 156 "Nope." he said. "We're all like that." 157 ________________ 158 / \ 159 | "All objects." | ___ 160 \______ _________/ /.. \ 161 // \___/ 162 V | 163 ___ /|\ 164 /._.\ | 165 \___/ / \ 166 .,,..,.,.,..,,.,,.,,..,.,.,.,.,.,,,.,.,,., 167 168 "It's not too bad, though! We can all relate that way!" and away he pranced. 169 Before leaving, he yelled back, "You know, that bed I made you? I made it with a constructor!" 170 And away he went. 171` 172 173book.chapter[3] = "Arithmatic"; 174` 175 "The age old question remains: how does one add two numbers together?" was the sentence that greeted me on my further walk. It was uttered by a old man typing furiously at a computer. 176 "And, if possible, subtract." said one younger person beside him. He also typed furiously at a computer. 177 "Who are you, I might ask?" the older man inquired of me. 178 "I... don't know. I just fell out of the sky!" I sputtered. 179 "Really! ... Eh, probably just a joke I don't get. I need more humour." he promptly continued typing. 180 "jQuery." the other one said. 181 "I've tried. Look!" he gestured towards a large whiteboard. 182----------------------- 183 $.fn.giveHumour = function() { 184 this.humour *= 10; 185 }; 186 $(".me").giveHumour(); 187----------------------- 188 "It made things worse." the crestfallen man exclaimed. 189 "Why?" I asked. 190 "My humour... was negative before. Now, I have less humour than before." 191 "That is why--" the young man said. 192 "We need to know how to add two numbers together!" the old man finished. 193 They resumed typing at a faster pace. I sat down with them, reading over the code the old man had shown me. A few minutes later, one exclaimed: 194 "I have found it!" 195 "Where!" the old man cried. 196 "Here!" 197 He pulled up a page on a website I did not know, something called Stack Overflow. 198 "Whats that?" I asked. 199 "Eh, just a little place I like to go for help." he said with a glint in his eye. 200 Scrolling through the text, he found his objective and showed it to me and the old man. 201----------------------- 202// you know what they say, "If you're not using jQuery, you're doing it wrong 203 204$.add = function() { 205 var sum = Array.prototype.slice.call(arguments).reduce(add, 0); 206 function add(a, b) { 207 return a + b; 208 } 209 return sum; 210} 211 212// those with only two arguments may use the supplied alternate function 213// ... or if you're scared of Array.prototype.slice.call 214// I don't blame you 215 216$.add = function(arg1, arg2) { 217 return arg1 + arg2; 218} 219 220// ... fine, you want simple, I'll give you simple! 221 222var test = 1; 223test += 2; 224console.log(test) // 3 225----------------------- 226 "The first looks fine enough--" the younger man said. 227 "Bah, that looks like spaghetti, same with the second!" 228 "You're just scared of jQuery!" the younger man exclaimed. 229 "I've seen many a developer misuse it. Now, that last one... I like it!" At this, the man smiled. 230 He stood up and walked over to the whiteboard. He started to scrawl over the board. After a minute, he walked away triumphantly. 231 "Perhaps I shall have humour now!" 232 The code now read: 233----------------------- 234 $.fn.giveHumour = function() { 235 this.humour += 100; 236 }); 237 $(".me").giveHumour(); 238----------------------- 239 "I'll run it!" the younger man was nearly hopping. 240 He turned towards a small kiosk to his left. On it resided a large screen and a button on the front. On the screen, there was a small console at the bottom. He typed into the screen and pressed the button. A few seconds later, he looked over to the older man. 241 "Well... we got a Uncaught SyntaxError at line 3" 242 "What!" 243 "Oh, it was a parenthesis" 244 "Drat those dastardly despicable parentheses!" he exclaimed. 245 "Fix it, fix it!" 246 "Yes... it's gone!" 247 "Run it!" 248 ___ ___ 249 /.. \ /.. \ 250 \___/ \___/ 251 ___ ______ | | 252 / ..\ /`````/| /|\ /|\ 253 \___//_____/ | | | 254 .,,..|__|[o]--| |.,./.\.,.,/,\.,.,.,.,.,.. 255 ,.,./|.,|-----| |.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,. 256 .,.,.|.,|-----| ══════════════════════════ 257 .,.,/,\.|-----|/.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,., 258 .,,..,.,.,..,,.,,.,,..,.,.,.,.,.,,,.,.,,., 259 260 At that, the man once again pressed a button. At this, I noticed a long wire that stretched from the machine off into the distance. When the button was pressed, a pulse of light traveled down the wire very quickly. We waited for a second, and suddenly a change came into the older man. 261 "Why, that was REACTive!" he chuckled. 262 "Well, I think it worked." I declared. 263 "I didn't expect puns! I hate puns." the younger man said, very obviously annoyed. 264 "Hey, don't BABEL over there! Speak up!" the older man laughed. 265 "Save that talk for later, man! We gotta be serious! We have work to do!" the younger man scolded. 266 "Fine" he conceded. "Hey, kid, thanks for helping us out." 267 "Yeah, maybe I should get going." I said. "By the way, what does that kiosk of yours do?" 268 "Oh..." the younger man shuddered. "That cursed technology? While the program runs, the only way for us to program is with Evaluation technology." 269 "Wait, the program has been running this whole time?" I was suprised. 270 "Of course. You said you came from the sky, right?" he asked. 271 "Yeah, I did!" 272 "Huh... well that doesn't matter! Whoever is using this computer has their browser open. As long as this page is open, we will run." 273 "What happens when it's closed?" 274 "We all die." he lamented. "You were interested in the Eval, as we call it? Of course you were! Follow that cable and it will take you to the innards of the computer." 275 "While your there, don't enter the V8!" the older man said. 276 "Okay! Well, bye!" and away I walked. After I was gone, the two men started to furiously type like they had been doing before. By the time I was far away, I heard faint arguing once again coming from them. 277 "We might know how to add, but I still need to know how to subtract!" 278` 279 280book.chapter[4] = "V8"; 281` 282 I had been walking a very long time, following the cable, and I encountered a small forest. curiously, the trees were shaped very uncannily like a set of parenthesis. 283 ______ 284 / /\ \ 285 ______ | | | | ______ 286 / /\ \ | | | | / /\ \ 287 | | | | | | | | | | | | 288 | | | | | | | | | | | | 289 | | | | ______ \__\/__/ | | | | 290 | | | | / /\ \ || | | | | 291 \__\/__/ | | | | || \__\/__/ 292 || | | | | || /+||+/ 293 || | | | | || /++||/ 294 || | | | | || /+++|| 295 || \__\/__/ || /++++|| 296 || || || /++++/|| 297 || || /AA\ /++++/ || 298 || || /++++/ || 299 /AA\ || /++++/ /AA\ 300 || (++++( 301 || \++++\ 302 || )++++) 303 /AA\ /++++/ 304 ________________________/++++/__________ 305 306 The only thing for me to do was to keep walking, so I set out upon the path. 307 After a minute or two, by that point the trees were very dense around me, a curious creature fell out of a tree in front of me! 308 "Out of the tree comes equality!" the creature yelled. 309 He was a very curious creature. His body resembled that of two equals signs next to each other. 310 ______ ______ 311 / /\ \ / /\ \ 312 | | | | | | | | 313 | | | | | | | | 314 | | | | | | | | 315 | | | | | | | | 316 \__\/__/ \__\/__/ 317 || _____ || 318 || | . . | || 319 || ╔═══════╧═╦═╦═╧═══════╗ || 320 || ╚═══════╤═╩═╩═╤═══════╝ || 321 || ╔═══════╧═╦═╦═╧═══════╗ || 322 || ╚═══════╤═╩═╩═╤═══════╝ || 323 || |_____| || 324 ___/AA\__________|_|___________/AA\___ 325 326 Suddenly, he started a little jig! 327 "If you want logic, come to me! I'll show you if A equals B!" 328 "I like to cast types without thought! Something people seem to hate a lot!" 329 At this, he put on a unhappy face. 330 "Why dont people wan't to know if an empty array equals a zero?" 331 "I used to get so much acclaim, why does my cousin, triple equals, get all the fame?" he said with disdain. 332 "You deserve it, you know that. Right?" another voice said. 333 At that, another creature came out of the forest that was just like the other creature except he was made of three equals signs instead of two. 334 "In what ways?" the two equals signs asked. 335 "Many ways." 336 "List one." 337 "According to you, zero equals an empty string. What's that supposed to mean? Also, apparently a zero in a string equals false. Any other string would be true, but why does that one evaluate to false???" 338 At this, the equals signs were staring at each other eye to eye. 339 ______ ______ 340 / /\ \ / /\ \ 341 | | | | | | | | 342 | | | | | | | | 343 | | | | | | | | 344 | | | | | | | | 345 \__\/__/ \__\/__/ 346 _____ || _____ || 347 | .V.| || |.V. | || 348 ╔═══════╧═╦═╦═╧═══════╗ ╔═════╤╤══╦═╦═╧═════╧═╦═╦══╤╤═════╗ 349 ╚═══════╤═╩═╩═╤═══════╝ ╚═════╤╤══╩═╩═╤═════╤═╩═╩══╤╤═════╝ 350 ╔═══════╧═╦═╦═╧═══════╗ ╔═════╤╤══╦═╦═╧═════╧═╦═╦══╤╤═════╗ 351 ╚═══════╤═╩═╩═╤═══════╝ ╚═════╤╤══╩═╩═╤═════╤═╩═╩══╤╤═════╝ 352 |_____| || |_____| || 353 __________|_|_________________/AA\_______|_|_______/AA\_____ 354 355 "There, I gave you more than one, you happy?" the three equals said snidely. 356 By this time, the creatures started to fight, so I left the scene. 357 Finally, after encountering no more creatures, I reached the end of the forest and arrived at what seemed to be the edge of a huge scorched plain. Close by was my destination, the evaluation machine. Far off in the distance, there stood a huge city. In front of this city, there stood a huge wall guarded by many small men. On this wall read the words "V8". 358 359 ┌-┐ 360 |#| ┌-┐ ┌-┐ 361 ┌-┐ | | ┌-┐ |#| |#| 362 |#| | | |#| | | ┌-┐ ┌-┐ ┌-┐ | | ┌──────────────────┐ 363 | | ┌-┐ | | | | | | |#| |#| |#| | | | | 364 | | |#| | | | | └-┘ | | | | | | | | _| |_ 365 | | _| | └-┘ | | __| |-'└-┘'-._| |_.| |-' | | '-._ 366 _.| |' | |'-.___└-┘ _.-' | | _ _ | | └-┘ └──────────────────┘ ' 367___-' └-┘ └-┘ '--' └-┘|\8/| └-┘ __________ 368--,---,---.________ |_V_|_______.-,----,-----,-----,---` | | 369 | | | | `,---,---,---,` _ | | | | | | ____|___|_ 370--'---'---._|__|___ | | | | _| |_|____|_.-'----'-----'-----'---`▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 371▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒`'---'---'---'`▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒░▒▒ 372▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 373▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒░▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░ 374▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒ 375▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒┌────────────┐▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 376▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒|EVAL~~~~~~~~|▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒ 377▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒|~~~~~~~~~~~~|▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 378▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒└────────┬───┘▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 379▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒|▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 380▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒|▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒ 381▒0▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒|▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 3820|0▒0▒▒0▒▒▒0▒▒▒▒▒0▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒0▒▒▒0▒▒0▒▒0▒▒0▒/▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 383| | |▒0| 0 |0 0▒▒|▒▒▒0▒▒0▒0▒▒▒0▒▒▒▒0▒0▒▒▒▒0▒▒▒0|▒0▒|▒0|0▒|▒0|/0▒▒▒0▒▒▒0▒▒0▒▒▒0▒▒ 384 | | | |0▒▒▒0▒| 0| |0 0| 0 | | 0 | 0 | |▒▒0| | 0|/ | 0▒| 0 |▒ |0 0| 385 | | | | | | 0 | | | |/ | |0 | | 386 | / | 387 388 I began the short walk to the evaluation machine. As I descended into the burnt plain, I noticed a few other men nearby me. Suddenly, one of them saw me. Before I could run, he had run up to me! 389 "Are you working?" it asked me. 390 "Yes!?" I answered. 391 "Are you sure?" it asked again. 392 "Yes, I am working!" I replied back. 393 "Good." 394 "Why does it matter?" I blurted out. 395 "Do you know who I am?" it asked me. 396 "No." 397 "I serve the garbage collector. Anything that isn't working is going to be erased from memory." 398 "What do you mean?" 399 "If you aren't useful, you get collected. Wait, are you global?" it eyed me now. 400 "Yes!" I said, for I didn't know what that meant. 401 "Good. If you were part of a scope and that scope was unneeded, you would have to be collected!" 402 "Collected?" 403 "Yes, we would have to... kill you." 404 I quickly started running. The creature stood for a while until it turned away and muttered under it's breath. 405 "Too many globals. Soon, there will be a stack overflow! I should sent a alert!" At that, the creature started running towards the wall. 406 Meanwhile, I had stopped running and started walking towards the eval machine again. After a few minutes, I arrived at the machine. 407 408 ╦ 409 ╦ ║ 410 ║__ ║______ 411 ╦ ╦_-`║ ║ _-| ._____________________________. 412 ║ _-║ ║ _-` | | | 413 ║-` ║ _-` ═╣ | | Don't use me to parse JSON! | 414 ▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒_-`║ ║ _-` |▒|_____________________________|▒ 415 ▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒_-`________ _-` ══════╣▒░▒▒|▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒|▒▒▒▒▒ 416 ▒▒▒▒▒░▒| | ════╣ _-`░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒|▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒|▒▒▒░▒ 417 ░▒▒▒▒▒▒| EVAL | _-`▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 418 ═══════| | _-`▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒░▒▒ 419 ▒▒▒▒▒░▒|___________|_-`▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 420 ▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░▒▒▒▒ 421 422 As I stared upon it, I percieved another worker coming towards me. This one seemed more friendly, so I turned towards it. 423 "Are you new to V8?" it asked me. 424 "Yeah." I answered. 425 "Good, let me be your guide!" he bowed in front of me and gestured for me to follow him. I did. 426 "You found the evaluation machine, I see." 427 "Yes, I have." 428 "Yeah, I know it's ugly, we all know." 429 "It doesn't look that bad!" I defensively replied. 430 "If you run that thing, you'll eat up cpu cycles like you won't believe! Not to mention the security hazards too!" he replied exasperated. "ECMA recommends the Function constructor if you must run arbitrary code strings." 431 "I did not understand a word you just said." I said with a smile. 432 "I'll show you." he opened a book at his side and flipped to a page. "Here." he pointed at a line. 433----------------------- 434 ┌───────────┐ 435 ─────────────┤ CHAPTER 4 ├───────────── 436 └───────────┘ 437 The bad uses of EVAL (and one good one) 438 439 Section 1: Accessing properties of objects 440 441 Never use eval to access properties of objects! 442 443 var exampleobject = { 444 prop: "dogs" 445 }; 446 var nameofprop = "prop"; 447 var item = eval("exampleobject." + nameofprop); 448 console.log(item); // "dogs" 449 450 This is slow and efficient and can be done with a alternate syntax, the bracket syntax. 451 452 var exampleobject = { 453 prop: "dogs" 454 }; 455 var nameofprop = "prop"; 456 var item = exampleobject[nameofprop]; 457 console.log(item); // "dogs" 458 459 This way is much faster and much more concise. 460----------------------- 461 462 "Thats just one way eval is bad." he concluded. "If you ask Douglas Crockford, you'll get a way longer list." 463 "Oh." I said, quite aware that I still didn't understand. 464 "You want to see anything else?" he asked. 465 "Why not." I answered. 466 "You see that wall off in the distance?" 467 "Yeah." 468 "Thats the entrance to the V8 engine. No javascript can enter, that's why there is a wall." 469 "Why isn't the eval in the wall?" 470 "The eval is the closest javascript code can get to the compiler! Everything any lower level is blocked to any javascript code. Including you." 471 "Interesting. I have to ask you something." I waited for a response. 472 "You were saying something? Oh, yeah, ask away." 473 "I met a paranoid person on the way here. He threatened to kill me!" I blurted. 474 "You met the garbage collector. Yeah, his henchman are scary, but you only have to worry if you aren't working. I assume you're global?" 475 "Yeah." I replied. 476 "Then you're safe." 477 We continued to walk for a long time. Finally, my friend addressed me. 478 "I need to go back to my job. Could you send a message to Object?" He waited for a response. 479 "Who is that?" 480 "We consider him the unofficial ruler of this land. He is the root of almost everything we see. Except for primatives, we all inherit from him." 481 "Ok, I can take a message to him. What's the message?" 482 "Tell him to memoize his Fibonacci function." he said, sighing. "We keep blocking the webpage with his. You wan't to know why all the ground is scorched?" 483 "Yeah?" 484 "Because that function overheated the CPU. We were nearly fried to a crisp!" 485 "Okay... how should I get there?" 486 "Um... Oh, I have an idea! Use a webworker!" he pulled a small device out of his pocket. "We have a webworker running right now. I can use that to get you there quickly and easily!" he typed into his device and looked towards me. 487 "Just to let you know, it's not a very pleasent experience for objects like us. Be prepared to get stringified." 488 "What do y--" 489 Suddenly, I could feel my body being pulled into the ground. Within a split second, I was gone. 490` 491 492book.chapter[5] = "Web workers"; 493` 494 As I traveled through the tube, my body was smashed and squeezed. At one point, I swore I could have seen letters all around me. Just as soon as the journey started, I could feel myself once again in one piece. I opened my eyes and looked around me. 495 I seemed to be in another large white room. This time, though, there was a large window in the corner. Once I regained control of my body, I walked over to it. It presented before me a huge view of my computer. I could see Word on the right and MS Paint next to it. When I saw Chrome, I noticed something pelicular. There seemed to be a huge bundle of pipes extending out from it. All the pipes went directly to my left, a place where they proceeded to spread out to various boxes spread out inside of my view. 496 497 ┌───────╥──────╥───────────────────────────────────────────┐ 498 |___ ╚╗ ║ ┌──────┐ ┌────────┐ ┌────┐ | 499 | /| ║ ║ ╔═════════╡CHROME| |MS PAINT| |WORD| | 500 | / | ║ ╚═╗ ║ └──────┘ └────────┘ └────┘ | 501 |/ | ╚═╗ ║ ║ | 502 | | ╠═════╬═╝ | 503 | ╞═╦════╝ ║ | 504 | | ║ ╔╝ | 505 | | ║ ╔════╝ | 506 | / ╔╝ ___║___ | 507 | / ╔╝ | |\ ___ | 508 |/ ╔╝ .' .' \ / \ | 509 | ╔╝ | | .' \___/ | 510 | ║ .' .' | | | 511 | ║ | | .' /|\ | 512 └─╨─┴────────┴──┴────────────────────────|─────────────────┘ 513 / \ 514 515 I looked at the view for a moment. Then, to my right, another creature started talking. 516 "It's a nice view, isn't it?" 517 The creature seemed to be very tall and mighty. He was much older than the creatures I had seen down in the Scripts. 518 "You are new here, are you not?" 519 "Yes. I'm still a bit confused." 520 "You probably want to know what happened on your journey. Almost all objects that come here are annoyed. I'll tell you: you were stringified. That's why you saw letters when you came here." 521 "You know that?" I questioned him. 522 "All who come this way encounter the same fate. Don't worry, not death!" He said, noticing my displeasure. "Only circular references encounter death." He looked over at me. 523 "I see... What are those pipes?" I pointed out the window. 524 "Those? Oh yes, those are connected to chrome subprocesses. Allow 'em to communicate with the the main program, you know." 525 "Are the subprocesses like windows?" 526 "Sorta." 527 "Why are there so many?" I asked. 528 At this, the large man took a handkerchief and patted his forehead with it. 529 "Because Chrome is a real CPU hog. My is it hot in here!" He more vigorously wiped his forehead. "They better not be running that darned fibonacci function again!" 530 The man took a few large strides over to the side of the room and pulled out a large device. 531 "Lets check, shall we?" He strided over to me and showed me the peculier device. It was a very confusing application of some sort. It had many tabs, but the one he had opened was titled 'processes'. He was pointing to a large chart under the tabs, specifically at some rows that were titled 'chrome.exe'. They were all at 0 CPU except for one. That one was at 80 CPU. 532 "How long will it take for them to learn!" The man huffed and threw the device into the corner. "Memoize, memoize, memoize!" He stopped. "I heard a V8 worker sent up somebody..." 533 "That's me!" I pulled the note out of my pocket and showed him. 534 "Well, I'm glad to see something is happening! We better get you going!" He took hold of my hand with a firm grip and led me over to a spot on the ground in the corner of the large room. He walked over to a screen on the wall and held his finger over it. 535 "You'll be stringified once you're posted. Just thought I'd let you know. Oh, and nice to meet ya." He pressed the surface firmly. "Have a nice trip!" 536 It goes without saying that I wasn't expecting one, but I was gone before he even finished the sentence! 537` 538 539book.chapter[6] = "Object, the great and powerful."; 540` 541 A few seconds later, I once again found myself on rolling hills. This time, I stood in front of a huge kingdom surrounded by a wall. The wall had a tower every 50 feet or so. On the top of the towers, huge armoured objects stood surveying the gate. At the gate, a huge group of various numbers were ambling about. They were arguing angrily, 542 "7 is the best! Everybody knows that!" the seven proudly proclaimed. 543 "I am a factor of all whole numbers, so don't forget me!" The one directed at the seven. 544 They seemed nearly at blows. The one already had a black eye, so it was evident that he was a fiesty one. 545 "I'm cool too, guys." A small voice said. "All circles depend on me!" Behind a 100, I noticed Math.PI show his face. 546 "P'shaw, we can't even see you in decimal form. You have to hide behind a constant!" The seven mocked him. 547 Suddenly, a huge number shot out from behind someone, punching the seven straight in the face. He was blown back several feet, straight into the wall, where he crumpled to the ground. 548 "That'll teach him not to mess with constants." A powerful voice said. 549 All the numbers cleared to see him. He was Number.MAX_SAFE_INTEGER. 550 "Who are you?" I asked. 551 "I am the constant to end all constants. I am the biggest number in Javascript. And, let me tell you, I sure don't like it when the names of constants are ground into the earth. It angers me!" He seemed to tower over all numbers for a second until he stopped and looked at me. "Are you looking for somebody, because people usually don't come here unless it's for business, y'know."